There are times we encounter people and feel we have finally encountered the right person for marriage and therefore the search has ended. In most cases however, this love does not really endure. Human beings are wired with a desire for intimacy. In every normal human being there is a desire to love and to be loved especially by the opposite sex. This desire if not controlled can lead to a lot of scars and damages. Any person who has a future and a name to protect will not rush suddenly into a love affair. The reason is because love affair cuts negatively or positively deep into our reputation and integrity. There are people who don’t care any way, always changing status that they have left the former relationship for a new one. Before this set of people finally settle down to marriage, their curriculum vitae would have been filled with a lot of “ex lovers.” Proposing to so many people and breaking the proposals often and on is a sign of a person with lack of focus and lack of a deep relationship with God. It is also a sign of one’s inability to bring his/her emotions under control. Secondary school boys and girls and university undergraduates are quick to fall in love. They often make their conclusions based on physical appearances like shape of body, color of eyes and walking posture. Some even fall in love because of the beautiful voice of the person in question. In some cases, those who enter into such falling in love syndrome do so out of the pressure around them. When your room-mate, fellowship-mate or friends begin to claim they are in a relationship, be careful and guard your emotion. The falling in love syndrome can be infectious, in the sense that you may feel you are the only one left without somebody to lean on his or her shoulder. Pause and think over this question, if you enter into a love relationship as a Christian now, while you have about say six years at least to finish school and become economically and socially relevant, what will you be doing together within the years of waiting? Why the hurry to propose? Why the hurry to say yes? Are you sure that you are not being carried away by mere infatuation and adventure? I have witnessed so many broken engagements that were contracted during undergraduate days. Most of this break comes after the other person enters into larger life, after leaving the four walls of the university. A renowned Ghanaian author wrote that the beautiful ones are not yet born! When students live university and experience national Youth Service or exposure abroad, they suddenly discover how they have limited themselves by hurrying into a relationship while in the university or secondary school. What a young undergraduate is to become has not yet come to become. Don’t mortgage your destiny to any Boy/girl while your future is not yet clear. Wait till you get to larger life. Even if the person is studying a professional course, wait because as you advance in life your class is being defined. Don’t be quick to enter into a relationship because you may find out that despite the education and exposure, you may not be marrying your class or type.
Here are tips to help you when you think you are in love and that you have found the right person: How ready are you for marriage? If the person says yes to your proposal or if you make a proposal, do you think you can go ahead with the marriage plans within six months to one year? How financially fit are you to shoulder the responsibility of marriage? Can you abstain from sex while waiting for actual maturity time for marriage? When two people of the opposite sex begin to exchange “I love you” messages, the urge to kiss, cuddle and have sex increases and if discipline and care is not taken, the barrier might be broken. If this barrier is broken control is also not easy to exercise. Such people often find themselves overpowered by emotions that seek immediate gratification. In a case like this, caution is thrown to the wind. Those caught in this emotional “opium” count the miles after running. They remember the danger of the pregnancy that might arise from premarital sex only after they have gratified their sexual desire. After the gratification of sexual desire, there is nothing else to explore, die or wait for. The next thing is a gradual degeneration of the relationship. The key to a lasting relationship is to wait, think, pray and watch. As you do this, certain realities become exposed. Love is not blind to the truth; it is rather realistic and bold to accept the fact!
One reason why some young people rush into making and accepting marriage proposals is because they feel that if they do not act fast, the person will be taken by another man or woman. At this stage there is a false sense of “If I don’t secure this beautiful or handsome boy, then I will never have another because there will never be any other person like him or her. Some young people, who belong to a fellowship group or church with a laid down regulation for going into courtship or a group that monitors courtship and relationship activities with seriousness, will try to convince their fellowship leaders or elders by claiming that they have prayed and are convinced beyond doubt that it is God leading them into the relationship. This means of seeking the approval of the elders often pushes them to a tight corner because they only find themselves giving counsel and support to would be couples that are led by God. Claiming the hand of God in a matter before a counselor sometimes reduces the counselor’s willingness to read in-between the lines. The counselor prying eyes is further dimmed if the two individuals claiming to have heard from God over their relationship are known Christian leaders. From experience I have learned not to immediately endorse the God factor in every claim by young people who are not yet exposed to the larger world. I will not be quick to endorse this too, because they are not yet economically empowered to begin a new life together. Money has a way of making people see the reality of their dreams. Sometimes you may be free to dream big, but money shapes the size of the dream -when it comes to implementation. Unfortunately at this implementation stage many back-off and break the engagement which they claimed hitherto was from God. My reason for not falling for the God claim is simply to make sure these people do not mistake goose pimples and emotion or certain coincidences as a sign of God’s leading or approval. Single people who are in their twenties and also trying to keep themselves holy by avoiding sexual immorality have a lot of emotional chemistry lusting for gratification. A marriage proposal and the subsequent development of that relationship to them might be a readily acceptable means of un-bottling their emotional desires. Some of them forget that desires stirs up and explodes like champagne especially when there is a preliminary mutual agreement to see how an emotional relationship can get along while being careful not to go beyond acceptable limits. This could be why the wise king Solomon counsels, Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time. (Song 8:4 HCSB)
From experience and observation I made spanning from 2006 to 2013, of the 12 people I knew who made an early proposal to begin a courtship that will lead to marriage, none of them ended up in a marriage. All of them are married now with different people. This raises questions as to who was actually leading them when they claimed they were convinced of being brought together for marriage. What will this attitude have on their moral integrity? Will it be good to conclude that these people’s claims were governed by infatuation. Infatuation is an unreasoned passion or love. It love based on emotion and carnal judgments. People under infatuation overvalue themselves through excessive emotional fantasies? In most cases, it is usually the men who call it quit. This attitude of the men leaves the ladies to conclude that men are wicked and unfaithful. Unfortunately the ladies also lament that despite their sacrifices to secure the marriage through sex and aborting unwanted pregnancies, these men still go ahead to dismiss them and marry another lady. It is better to keep to your chest, feelings for the opposite sex until the appropriate time. (Songs 8:4). Nobody will marry a man or woman that God has ordained for you. Wait until you acquire the necessary equipments and maturity. If a young man who has not yet graduated is asking for the hand of a woman, the best thing for the parents to tell the young man is, finish your National Youth Service and come back to us if you are still interested. While this is going on, take time to enlighten you daughter about the implication of beginning a relationship at that stage. A man may not necessarily be employed before making a proposal, but he should be able to show concrete proofs of a no distant and sustainable economic empowerment. But let me ask here, which parent will like to release the daughter to a man without a means of livelihood no matter how he claims God in his leading? Which parent will like to be the one to pay the maternity and other bills of his son-in-law?
